mua

2007-12-25T18:50:00.000+08:00

merry christmas everybody(: this is my last post so ya, i've decided to close this blog. whenever i feel like ranting or posting pictures i'll be in lj or deniisha's blog. so you know where to look(: pictures before i leave(:

me and divya(:

me and rasi(:

:D

and after that, divya REALLY punched rasi.

so anyway, it's been a long long time. and i feel the time passing. its been almost 2 months now, and all i can say is some days are better than the rest. oh what the hell. there's nothing left for me there. so byee(:

Be my guest,
rain on my parade,
but I have
the biggest freaking
umbrella you've ever seen

i still hurt

2007-12-22T20:33:00.000+08:00

i think im gonna close this blog and join emelia in lj(: and i shall use deniisha's blog also occasionally! haha. easier to keep in touch like that(: ill be a vagabond and wander around. and this blog has caused me alot of trouble before. i dont even know why i still have it. its a freaking wonder really. sooo. deniisha! dont you dare be angry! i cant believe you thought like that laa. but maybe its my fault too. i dont know. but whatever it is i have a post dedicated to you here(:

Deniisha!

oh my god. its been 8 years. we werent together all of these 8 years but i've grown into a habit of always translating chinese for you and being a sarcastic piece of bitch whenever i complain to you. it has to be hard i guess and this friendship is seriously what i consider to be like the classic 'weathered lots and lots of storms, bitching and insanity' type of friendship. i feel guilty towards you too. primary school wasnt exactly happy land for you and i had a part to play in it. but thats a whole other story which i am not going into on the internet. so sorry. i wish i could say i wish i didnt do all the mean stuff i did then but then, if those fights didnt happen, this friendship wouldnt have happened too. so no way am i gonna say i wish we didnt fight. youre like an emotional disaster what with all the quotes and the thinking and the crying, but i guess thats what makes you so nice to talk to and easy to spill guts out to(: its a comfort just to know youre there. here. whatever. ahah. i know you and you know me. this type of trust doesnt come easy to you nor to me so i guess all thats left to say is treasure me like i treasure you! i love you!

"I couldn't tell you why we are best friends, because you wouldn't understand. The explanation is full of too many inside jokes & made up words; it's full of too much care & too many tears,too many laughs & too many blonde moments.I don't think I will ever be able to give you a better reason, except she's always been there"

HA GOT IT FROM YOUR BLOG DENIISHA:D

okay dont be jealous. i dont just dedicate posts to random people okay. only to emelia and deniisha. be honoured you two:D anyway, i love all my friends, just know that i cant write for everyone(: am really sorry im not super woman but hey. thats life(:

2007-12-19T21:07:00.000+08:00

okay. this is old news but i still need to say it.

life is unfair.

its a fact. im not sulky over it, im not going into full revenge mode and im not going to start bawling over the unfairness of it all. im going to accept it(: or at least try to keep my comments to myself. i talk too much anyway.

soooo. went out with deniisha today(: went to the museum! hahaha! then we went to the beach. and i look ugly today. and the pictures are posted at deniisha's blog already so im not posting all(: going out 3 days in a row is making me tired. this is like the last time im doing last minute chirstmas shopping. the stress is killing me. and omgg. deniisha said the thing she wanted to buy for me is not there anymore. which is freaking sad cos i wanted it so bad. but it doesnt matter(: ill still love christmas:D

one picture(:

2007-12-17T21:25:00.000+08:00

went out with emelia today(: everytime i go out with her she threatens to faint. either her blood pressure belongs to a zombie or i make her light headed cos i talk too much. either way, it's probably not good for her to faint.

insult me all you want but leave my friends alone. this isnt a warning. its a direct order.

sorry emelia, meant to be discreet but i dont think i can be when it comes down to this. i cant say i like being discreet either(: its the mature thing to do sure, but i dont feel very mature right now.

2007-12-15T21:07:00.000+08:00

has anybody else realised its only 3 more freaking weeks to school reopening? whatever happened to the holiday? i feel as exhausted as i was before. and i feel even sadder if thats possible. new class, new classmates, new teachers, new everything and honestly, i dont really like new. okay. i have no idea where all the time has gone to, but i really wish it would run back. i talked to emelia on the phone a few days back and well. it was truthful(: i love you emelia(: and deniisha. i talked to her a few days back too. it was quiet and understanding(: i love you deniisha(: i learnt alot though this year. i learnt that i was self absorbed and annoying. i learnt that its dangerous to let yourself wallow in self pity. i learnt that i loved once. and probably still do. i learnt to treasure my friends. i learnt to be contented with what i have and not let ugly feelings get through me. i learnt that im not perfect and im still learning about myself. time took away so many of the things i liked, loved, but it gave me too. all these that i've learnt help me grow i guess. so even if time does take away, it gives back too. so maybe i'll be comforted by that thought.
eventhough i know because of the whole experience, my future will hurt, i want to live in the moment again. to experience pure joy again. even if it hurts this much later on, well i guess its worth it. i have so much to say. so, so much. you'll never know how sorry i am unless you talk to me. im just so sorry. i want you to know and i want to know too. okay i dont make any sense, but then, when did i ever make sense when im talking to you?

2007-12-10T20:21:00.000+08:00

honey, im home(:

bangkok was tiring and dangerous. but the shopping is nice i guess. but it was mentally and physically exhausting. i think i need therapy. or at least someone to rant too, but deniisha and emelia are not home. or id take a cup of coffee. maybe two. i feel so useless. disposable. not needed. you know. i may not seem like someone who needs people to assure her verbally that they need her or they love her. but god. im not what i seem like. i dont know why im saying all these. maybe its the sleepless nights. maybe its the pain. maybe its the coffee. maybe im going insane. all the shopping. well hell. if i knew what was wrong i wouldnt be typing this. i would be fixing the damn problem. i know im babbling and i hate it when i babble. but its been 4 days away from talking like myself and im desperate. you know life sucks when your family doesnt know you and doesnt like you being you.

2007-12-06T21:57:00.000+08:00

im leaving tomorrowwww. hais. i miss emelia.

And when they got married and decided to have one of their own,
She said "Be honest, tell me what do you want?"
And he said "Honey, you oughta know...
Sweet, little, beautiful... one just like you.
Oh a beautiful, wonderful, perfect All-American"

so sweeeeeet:D

2007-12-05T20:56:00.000+08:00

i don't mean to brag but i got 98/100 for singing! ha. well it was like a mike thingy which rated you? it was cocked up but hey. when you're me you need all the cheap thrills you can get. anyway, it all happened in deniisha's house which was where i was the whole afternoon today(: she had brownies with ice cream and i was so happy because brownies=chocolates=dopamine release(: well that's caffeine but chocolate does the same thing for me. and when you add in ice cream its nirvana. pure pleasure. okay. whatever. bet all of you know brownie and ice cream anyway.

sooo. I'm leaving on friday and i haven't even started thinking about what I'm going to bring. i don't even know which luggage I'm bringing. you know, if i were younger, i would romanticize this whole trip and go. 'oh I'm leaving this town, leaving all my hurt and memories behind.' and stare out the damn airplane window like I'm an actress in a bad b list movie. but hey. you know what. i am through romanticizing every single thing. not only is it embarrassing, it hurts cause its not real. and from now on, I'm on a strict reality only diet. it hurts but god. what doesn't hurt. even brownies and ice cream make you fat. so see? everything hurts. when doctors go this wont hurt abit they probably mean this will hurt so much you'd wished you skipped life and gone straight to death.

oh and one more thing. i absolutely abhor people who
1.answer questions with questions.(like wth? how about answer first, ask later? i'm not an international spy out to sabotage the country. i'm 14 for god's sake!)
2.throw a tantrum when you ask a question. and don't answer the question in the end.(like don't go through all the trouble of screaming in anger if you're not going to answer the bloody question)
3.don't answer the god damn question. (this is the worst. i hate it when people ignore me. makes me want to shout in their ears HEY. REMEMBER ME. IM STANDING RIGHT HERE. AND I AM ASKING YOU A QUESTION. SO IF YOU WOULD JUST FIND YOUR MISSING MANNERS MAYBE YOU COULD ANSWER ME?)

well whadaya know. this is the longest post of probably these two months. and not even a mention of that. or it. whatever. im just looking for something to do to put off packing. have i meantion i really hate packing? well not really. just hate packing for family holidays. okay. digressing here. so yes. i guess im over it. bring out the champagne(:

2007-12-03T21:23:00.000+08:00

emelia left today. for brisbane. mannnn. ill be so bored from now till friday. then ill be leaving for bangkok myself(: hahaha. shes on the plane now. i love night flights. dont you?

my legs ache.

oh baby, don't cry.

2007-11-30T20:13:00.001+08:00

i just realised that even if i have nothing to do i wont be bored. cause i think too much. honestly. sometimes it hurts to have a brain. and id like to say right now that i.am.not.a.bimbo. got that? also, i am not a girl who goes around saying 'i will not go there because it is dirty and smelly and not a place where my perfectly manisured fingers should go. god damn it. i am not a whiny weak girl. okay fine. maybe i whine but hey i am entilted to whining seeing that my life isnt exactly a freaking bed of roses. but i do not cringe at the sight of dirt okay. like hello. if i did i would have commited suicide after going crazy months ago. so if you dont know whats going on right now in this pathetic excuse of a life i have, leave.me.alone. and if you consider this post whining, you must not know me.

oh and on a completely different note, mum's coming home tonight(:

It’s a lot easier to say you're angry, than to admit you're hurt.

2007-11-29T18:41:00.000+08:00

i went to divya's house today(: and im glad to say shes much much better! good enough to annoy already. not sure if thats such a good thing but as long as shes not in mortal danger or anything im fine(:

i dont really have the mood to tell everyone here about my mood. huh. that sentence sounded better in my head. well anyway, im just like. the same i guess. not better. maybe worse. but not going into details. my head knows it, just give my heart a little more time to catch up.

and this time when she left, she left her heart behind.

2007-11-26T21:28:00.000+08:00

went to bugis with emelia today(: and i bought shadesssss. though i dont need it its pretty. haha. then we walked around and around for lunch but it was like super crowded everywhere. so in the end we ate a really expensive lunch at delifrance. but hey. french food. and we walked somemore and emelia was like going to faint. throbbing head, something. hahaha. but ya. i told her i was thinking i was wonderign what would happen if i told my cousins about my life. my problems. dont know why i had that sudden random thought. but ya. i dont know what their reactions would be. seriously. i can see them staring at me and going, 'youre kidding right' but hey. my life is like that. im melodramatic. cant blame me.

then i went to divyas house. shes thinner. and i thought she couldnt get any thinner, and she has 3 holes in her stomach. ew. she has so many presents there and she seems so fragile. hais. so sad honestly. and then they played that stupid fishing game thingy which people play when theyre seven. okay. so it was entertaining. for like 10 minutes. i might visit soon(:

i cant sleep at night. i keep thinking. about what? random stuff. like how my family will react if they watch a sitcom of my life. cos my life would be so much more amusing if it were happening to someone else. how my grandma's doing. how long more my only grandparent will live.how im going to forget. how hes doing. the future. my friends, if they really are. god. im thinking so much. no wonder i cant sleep.

2007-11-23T20:46:00.001+08:00

GO VISIT JASMINE SENG'S BLOG SHOP(: http://thecandycanes.livejournal.com

i can't freaking breathe. great. just great. i have to die before i can slap your freaking brains to jelly.

okay. im feeling better now. funny how getting angry makes you feel better. but i guess its self denfense. was supposed to go to the hospital to visit divya today but she needed to rest. ohwell. guess i can always go to her house. and shes getting better now anyway(: im really sad. got a craving for chocolate and a hug. everytime i look in the mirror i cringe. and i wish that things were back as they were again. i know that would make my reflection look human again. i give you too much credit. just like what everybody says. but somebody should go publish a textbook on 'forgetting'. its way to hard to do it by myself and from what i see, everybody reads textbooks. and only those.

i wont beg, i wont die without you either. but im beginning to think i cant forget.

2007-11-22T20:46:00.000+08:00

its reaaaaally nice(: hahaa. but if you dont have a fairytale right now, it can make you really moody. its like a typical fairytale, mixture of cinderella, little mermaid, snow white. and its super funny. hahaha. the songs are super catchy too(: and i think i would love to watch it again. no matter how much you hate cliches, you still will smile. even if you dont want to(:

to a place where there are no happy endings.

2007-11-21T21:13:00.001+08:00

this is dedictaed to EMELIA(:

i know we have to do something and we are going to(: hopefully it'll be painless
and things will be back as they were. well im hoping better than before but lets
start small first. haha. you have no idea how sad it is that we're not in the
same class next year. its probabaly going to take its toll but we still have our
locker(: and arent you the smart one thinking about that all by yourself:D
hahaha. ya. but dont ever give up on this friendship, i'll never forgive you if
you do. 02022020(: we both have to give and take i guess. isnt that whats lifes
about. and honestly, id really really like to see you on 02022020. cant blame me
for being curious(: anyway. the thing is, i love you! i know im just another
friend in this ugly, polluted world we call earth, but surely i deserve more?
hahaha! and you do too(: i love you!

its the psle results tomorrow. oh brings back memoriessss. ah. shit. okay. no more memories. dman things are giving me regular crying sessions. so ya. i have nothing much to say. just that life's a bitch but im going to hold on. for myself more than anything else(:

And I close my eyes
And I kiss that frog
Each time finding the more boys I meet
The more I love my dog

2007-11-19T21:06:00.000+08:00

i think i need therapy. no. on second though, i dont. its most probably YOU that needs freaking therapy. i.am.angry. god. its so difficult to believe anybody nowadays. will it kill you to actually mean what you say for once. just mean your words. and will it kill you to have a better attitude to people. spoilt. and has anybody noticed full stops are relationship destroyers. okay. bet nobody has. anyway. ive become 2nd place. no. not even 2nd. all i can say is, to you, i can wait. im not as important as before. i dont know what's happened. you dont want me anymore. you just want the company i give when theres no one else. and eventhough i pretend i dont know, it hurts.

2007-11-17T20:46:00.000+08:00

tag replies(:
jasmineseng- im trying(: but thank you for caring. haha!

rasi- yupp. its saddening and i thought you say dont talk about it already! haha

deniisha- your tags are always so long. haha, i love you too

divya- thats cos you dont have enough vocabulary(: haha! yes! when can we go? i desperately need the library you know.

okay i could have just used my tagboard but i dont really have stuff to say here.

i feel so sad today. no idea why. no, actually i know why. but its just repeating my previous post. sometimes i wish i had like memory loss. i hate this sudden memories thing okay. physically youre leaving me alone, but i cant say the same for what you do to my head. which just freaking sucks. now tell me. how do i get rid of my head? im so sorry. i really am. i want you back. but it hurts too much. not for me but i guess for you. and i feel betrayed. like wtf. its just going from bad to worse. why? i dont know. it seems like ive suddenly become someone whom you have to keep 10 metres away from. was it just this same month that it seemed perfect? really just this freaking month? it was just 17 days ago, give or take a few days. i havent felt like this since last year for gods sake. this is just getting too hurtful. theres no more truth anymore, no more comfort, no more knowledge that i know you will be there. so tell me what am i supposed to do? drop down to my knees and beg in the middle of a thunderstorm? jump off a cliff? eat cockroaches? is trust so much to ask for? i want to fucking cry.

that's all we are now.memories in a taped up box under an unmade bed.

2007-11-16T21:40:00.000+08:00

went to watch game plan with emelia and hsuli today(: haha. it was a nice movie and it made me happy to spend time with emelia and hsuli. and when we went to vivo and saw the christmas decorations all on sale emelia said OMG REMEMBER WE CAME HERE CHIRSTMAS TIME LAST YEAR? SO FAST ONE YEAR ALREADY?ya. its been that long(: damn. i feel like crying. i miss so much. thers so much i cant even begin to describe. i know when i grow up my memories will probably be faded, but i dont think theyll ever go away though. when my mum says she cant remember stuff from her childhood, i think shes just lying cos shes got so much to say and doesnt know where to start. just like me.

oh and another song(:

2007-11-15T20:21:00.000+08:00

i am so pissed off. is it so hard to ask for nice? honestly, im not even looking for near perfect. i just want nice! what! doesnt anybody do nice anymore? so now what. everybody's self centered, evil devil spawn? god. everything is my fault. why? because you dont want it to be your fault. well fine. your wants make ALL the difference in the world. god. its not as if you want world peace. i am so pissed off. why is it so hard to find nice nowadays. and trust. its hard to find trust too. and is it just a label? just a name? just a position which doesnt mean anything? well if it is, then count me out. i dont understand. if those words come so easily to you, then when do you really mean them? oh whatever. im not going to bother anymore. i shall be matured and try not to kick you right into the atlantic. and if youre not happy with my ranting then please just close this window. im through living to other people's standards.

2007-11-14T20:48:00.000+08:00

HA. im done with this skin(: im so happy with it. next time i want to change i just need to find new pictures and a new background. easy(:

so.

im going to watch game plan on saturday with emeliaa. hsuli hasnt replied yet. that cow doesnt look at her phone the whole day. and i think the class chalet is not on? there hasnt been news of it at all. and i dont need to go to school anymore. HA.

i miss being happy. really really do. but you cant be happy when youre always being ignored.

2007-11-12T21:14:00.000+08:00

i found pictures:D so i guess im making the new blogskin soon. i thank DENIISHA because she found practically everything for me(: THANK YOUUU.

went to marina and bugis with jasmine to day(: ate at cartel and bought some stuff(: saw lots more nice stuff but cant buy cause its really expensive. i want to be rich man. oh and this person came up to us and asked us to give our numbers cos theyre looking for models? but i think its a prank or something dangerous cos she didnt say the agency's name. no name card either. so im really worried. but as long as nobody stalks me im happy man. so pictures are all with jasmine and didnt really take much anyway.

my heart no longer hurts so much. in fact, im able to think back and smile a little now. no hard feelings, just my own private memories.

2007-11-09T22:06:00.000+08:00

i found the song i was looking for:D

anyway

went to deniisha's house yesteday(: she taught me how to hold a guitar! ahha. and play one pathetic note. because she only knew one pathetic note you see. so ya. and then we watched like ballroom dancing and i really really wanna learn ballroom dancing(: haha! and we got on with the chapter. i think anytime im bored ill just go over to her house.

and on thursday i went to grandma's house and the whole family was there. it felt different, the whole atmosphere. the fact that her room is bare doesnt really help either. but it was different. and miner is seriously slow and i updated her of 6 months of my life in just a few sentences. didnt feel like talking about it. oh and someone has issues(: and i felt wasted.

and ive uncovered a secret. ha. but it hurts. just like every other secret in the world, it hurts. i'm thinking being heartbroken runs in the family.

Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now
I know you'd fool me again

2007-11-07T22:21:00.001+08:00

oh i saw something and i just cant resist saying this.

bloody fucking hypocrite.

2007-11-07T20:46:00.000+08:00

me and miner(: at andrea's chalet.

Natalie(: since her brother is always moving it was hard to get a picture. but i think someone did. well yaaa

it was in deniisha's computer and its funny. so here it is(:

i want to post a song but stupid imeem doesnt have it. ah now what! anyway its an old song. so ya. no loss anyway.

2007-11-06T21:38:00.000+08:00

hello(: it's been long since i last posted. so anyway, when i went out with emelia, we got lost. and you know those sily mrt stations with 1001 extis? we ALWAYS came out the wrong one and end up having to walk one whole god damn big round. so that day, we walked and walked but at least we bought things(: but we didnt take pictures because we were so busy shopping and walking and getting lost.

oh and then i had my sister's bbq. her friends all look exactly the same. long hair, spectacles, looked like they only ate during public holidays and they talked the same launguage which i totally do not understand. but thankfully, they have their own personalities. but whether they are good personalitities is a story for another time. then my relatives came on the 2nd night and me and miner took pictures the entire time. i was a little high but that was okay(: it was better than being moody and so god dman angry. and my cute little niece and nephew will always make things much better. its so amazing how little kids can be brave enough to do things you would never do. like dance and sing like theres no tomorrow on the bed for all to see. haha.

then i had choir today and we learn this reaaaaally old song called lollipop. apparently its about this woman who calls her boyfriend lollipop and shes singing the reasosns why hes like a lollipop. but most of the song is just lollipop.

and im angry. again. im doing everything and youre blaming everything on me. hey how about gettng your ass up and start working. you dont want to suddenly wake up and find yourself incapable of moving cos all your joints have rusted do you? and trusting you has become as dangerous as jumpng into a cage full of crocodiles. i never know what you mean what you do and what you think. and im not stupid enough to fall into the same god damn trap again. so ha. OH. and did i mention im starting to feel like USED. like wth. if you are going to throw me away once you used me then please do not even come near me.

i know this is a reaaaly wordy post but hey, i havent posted for a logn time! i'll upload pictures another time(:

2007-10-31T20:51:00.001+08:00

this is like a really tiring holiday week. and i havent even started on like homework.

anywayyy.

okay. im going out with emelia to town tomorrow(: and then on friday im meeting deniisha(: i cant wait. hahaha. but honestly deniisha. no movies that make you cry. im all dried up here. and ranjanni cant stand me anymore. she says im a bimbo. and i am not. im just really really really happy. yes. im happy. no i am not sad. am happy. happy. i hope ill come home with more pictures tomorrow. i really need those. hahaa. and maybe ill make a new blogskin using that paris picture but something.. er. larger. yaaa. haha.

2007-10-30T20:29:00.000+08:00

im only posting 5 pictures cause i look like crap in all the others.

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL.

in the computer lab(: emelia! i'll miss you!

NEXT DAY AT SWENSENS(:

copied(: HAHA.

chicken baked rice(:

emelia said the baked rice was not worth it but her plate was reaaaaaaally clean. so she is a pig(:

ice cream. chocolate. heaven(:

i have so much to say but i cant.

2007-10-28T21:15:00.001+08:00

is it possible for someone to change in less than 24 hours? sounds impossible but dont underestimate the people of i-live-to-hurt-injure-and-annoy-people world. one minute theyre perfectly sweet and nice and you feel so lucky and overwhemled with love and the next you get the shock of your life at all the changes in the attitude, words and you start to wonder what on earth is love anyway. cos it sure as hell isnt a feeling that goes away in less than 24 hours. have i mentioned that? LESS THAN 24 HOURS. and the best part? i didnt DO anything! its just a perfectly normal day with perfectly normal things happening and suddenly i get attitude the size of china! if asking a reasonable question has suddenly become a crime then tell me! i would gladly stop asking questions. none of the answers are good news anyway. just dont give me so much attitude!

anyway

went to the library with divya today(: like who knew divya actually goes to libraries? well her mum forced her to but we'll just ignore that and pretend divya actually wanted to go to the library(: so i think i need to go to a bigger library and me and divya are planning on going to eat breakfast at white sands and go to the library early so we can get nicer books and i am still in shock that divya actually goes to the library. but it was fun(: this holiday doesnt seem so bad now. even if there are people with like super annoying abilities, i still have my friends(:

2007-10-27T21:20:00.000+08:00

went for tea drinking excursion or something with class today. and had my fill of tea for the whole year. and i also got pissed off at 11 am. there has got to be a better way to start the morning. then went to swensens with emelia and kind of banged the table and caused a whole lot of noise there(: and emelia owes me the pictures which we took(: original and unoriginal ones(:

being bored is a mood threatening hazard. because bored= go random blogs= get random murderous thoughts+get really really sad.
because i feel like im missing out on something when i didnt choose. i feel like im missing something so important and it hurts so so much. because i had a choice. and apparently i chose wrongly and let it go. and i hate not knowing if things concern me. and then i dont know if it really concerns me and so i go get so confused. oh god. i dont even understand myself. this is bad. basically i just feel annoyed and angry and sad. HEY ASS. Annoyed Angry Sad! omg. this is so lame but a totally funny coincidence.
and. i just want to do something! i cant just sit here and watch you waste your life away because you can do it dammit. youre just a coward afraid of rejection and failing but honestly! get a grip! it hurts so much to see you like this. and if you want to know, its much better now. i dont have flash backs and urges to cry so frequently throughout the day anymore. but i have a feeling its just lying dormant. it has been quite long after all. so yaa. i just have to learn dont i? ha. bye.

pictures another day(: and so sorry to bore you guys with silly illogical blog posts. just really really bored(:

2007-10-26T17:26:00.000+08:00

HAHA. i didnt know the internet was so entertaining. hahaha. omg.

but. of course. even without school, people still manage to spoil my day. i swear the hairdresser has something against me. pull my hair so hard and cut wrongly too. god. and did i do something wrong. if not then do not throw tantrums at me then expect me to just have a stupid polite conversation with you. and empty promises again? go get a life. if you cant do it or WONT do it then dont say you will. its a total waste of my time and your time. and i dont know about you but id rather not waste my time on idiots who dont know how to keep a promise.

and i found my old wallet. stupid thing was stuck behind a drawer and i dont even know how it got there.

2007-10-25T20:13:00.000+08:00

ohmygod. i never thought i would live to see today. its the last day of school. i would really want to be unfeeling and all 'i love leaving' but i cant. haha. i thought i could but emelia darling and her silly tears and everybody's goodbyes like its the end of the world made me realise its really the end of these two years. so its impossible to not feel anything. even if my past expeiences of having feelings are not good. at all. just look at me! im a freaking emotional wreck. all thanks to you. bastard. well anyway thats not the point. i guess i will miss somethings(: it has been kind of fun in a so stupid its funny way. and for almost every person i have an impression(: not necessarily good but hey. at least i notice them okay. but its been a really weird ride these two years. i never know what to expect i guess. dont know if thats a good thing or not but ill miss it sometimes i guess. i still remember saying how much i hate this class. but when the fact starts to sink in that im never going to have the same experience again, well, i just feel like i will miss it sometimes. so byeeee 2A.

and i feel so stuck now. like its the holidays and i have no idea what to do.

2007-10-24T21:00:00.001+08:00

shit. tomorrow is death day. I NEED MY PURE LIT DAMMIT. purelitpurelitpurelit): what am i going to do without pure lit? oh dear god, i really really need my pure lit.

im so so so dead.

2007-10-22T20:35:00.000+08:00

OH. did i mention the world is postively crawling with hypocrites? and it seems that most of them are based in singapore. in the east. near me. in my life. so yes. hey hypocrites. totally love you guys. not. i shall learn from you guys and be totally two faced around your kind. havent you heard of fighting fire with fire? hope you get as hurt as me. it would be a pleasure watching you hurt. im serious.

2007-10-22T20:08:00.000+08:00

can everyone just stop saying love! i mean what is up with everyone nowadays. its not even valentines day for gods sake. whats next? paper hearts floating all around with love delcarations? i swear i would puke out all my lunches ive ever had in my whole pathetic 14 years of life. whats love anyway. i wish i knew. these days. its a sterotype. cute guy + roses + cards + chocolates=love. ha. if it were that simple i would be married by now. i want to know what really goes on behind the scenes when two people actually fall in love. you know those type where people actaully enjoy growing old together and never for once regret their decision to marrying and when they go out, people just know that they are in love. its like they have a particular air about them. something that makes you hate them yet envy them. at the same time! but i guess im too young to actually try to understand love. so ya.

anyway.

I NEED MY PURE LITERATURE.

and ive got alot to say. but i shall not bore you with my totally unrelated topics(: actually i got alot of bitching i want to say but that is not the point(: i guess im just really disappointed that youve decided to just throw away this life. theres so much you can do. i know.

see. told you i have totally no links in my topics(: just forgive this totally silly stupid girl again(:

2007-10-20T20:43:00.000+08:00

i have to go out tomorrow. i really just want to stay at home and sulk. but since i have 'duties' to do, i have no choice.

and please do not do stuff just because you 'want me to be happy' like oh wth. youre just pitying me. and i know i am pathetic but you do not have to rub it in my face. makes me feel like a damn spoilt rich brat who wants everything. and i am not that. so do not think that youre being nice. because this is far from nice damn it. its just plain mean. i guess i would have appreciated it if this were long ago. but now, i just feel resigned. i really believe this is it. that i can finally let go. im not being dramatic or whatever. its just the truth. so i guess everyone is happy now. im finally listening to all your advices. ha. not like i have a choice is it. i just wish there was a chance to just clear everything. it would help my heart which is still in denial. but im not. nope. not me. im totally in control now. im totally washing my hands of this thing which i have foolishly dragged on for no reason whatsoever. it seems fitting that the last conversation was about not being emotional. well. guess im a fast learner. i wont feel a thing. i promise. no emotions. at all.

writing is really satisfying(: i hope deniisha hurries and finishes her part.

i.will.not.cry.

2007-10-19T20:49:00.000+08:00

im worried i cant get my combination because there might not even BE THAT DAMN COMBINATION. great. just freaking great. whats the point then. okay i will not worry or freak out or go hysterical.

oh who the hell am i kidding.

ANYWAY. they should have signs like WARNING: I CAUSE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE IN LITERALLY SECONDS for people to hang around their necks. they really should have warnings like these instead of caution. wet floor. like DUH its wet. i can see and even smell that. and whats the point anyway. the toilet floors are ALWAYS wet. so ya. warnings like THOSE might be more useful.

i am very confused. and annoyed. i think this might just be a permanent feeling. so do i give up now?

2007-10-18T20:18:00.000+08:00

okay. this totally sucks. what if i cant get into lit. i mean who ever heard of 20 students only! im so so afraid. but i dont think i can do much about it now. except pray. so ya. enough about that.

laughing at people is wrong. bragging is wrong when you do it over the top. being totally bitchy is wrong. so basically if you are all of the above, you are wrong. either something happened to your brain or you lost all sense of sensitivity. like why oh why would people actually do that? why do they love making people lose hope, why do they enjoy making people feel bad, why do they want people to be worse so they can be better? is it that fun to bring people down? even if they dont realise it now, they most probably would next time. and hopefully its not too late. waking up one day to realise you have no friends you can actually talk to without any inhibitions, who you can let your gaurd down with, whom you can empty their refrigerators without feeling bad, is scary. now, if you have all the power in the world and can control the damn weather will you be hapy with that? having nobody to share with to laugh with to LIVE with is pathetic. humans are social creatures. youll die a lonely grumpy old lady or man without friends and family. so what if you have so much money or stuff, i know this sounds cliched but its true. and the reason why its cliched is cause people are too money minded and power minded. so we NEED cliches now. do people really enjoy torturing other humans? we're all the same. we all want to feel good. and want to be respected. what entitles you people to laugh at others and look down on them? and really. what if one day they all gang up on you and you find yourself hated universally? dont you think it would be a little too late to ask for forgiveness and realize your meaness?

and now a post from someone who needs to vent lots of anger.
number 1.
what the hell do you think you are doing? its so damn insensitive of you to do that la.do you care for other people's feelings? NO. what do you care about more than yourself? NOTHING! i'm totally pissed today la. you're out to make others feel so bad okay. you don't think before you say or whatsoever. maybe sometimes you should reflect. and what's with the thing i heard today? what the hell like HI I'M RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. sheesh. argh. you're so selfish sometimes. im annoyed and very disturbed.
number 2.
hey. what do you treat me as la? your stupid spare friend. happy come and talk to me not happy go away. you don't know how much you have annoyed me ever since i've started being your close friend. i'm trying my best not to make you angry right. what do you do? get oh so sensitive and flare up at me at the slightest shit. well all i can say is that you don't know me well neither do i know you well. so therefore, DO NOT PUT WORDS INTO MY MOUTH AS YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE PEOPLE TO DO THAT. and you find all faults with me you know. even the simplest thing like telling you, im busy now sorry. what do you do? ignore me for days for no reason. what exactly did i do wrong?! i don't know why you treat me like this all the time. so, now i'm totally sick of you.in fact, i have a phobia of you! hurray.
-dont bother knowing who i am, it doesn't matter.

so i guess this is it. well its been nice i guess. well actually it hasnt been. but ya. bye.

2007-10-17T20:33:00.000+08:00

hais. tomorrow is shit. tomorrow was shit. tomorrow will be shit. tomorrow has been shit. tomorrow is going to be shit. okay wth. ive used every tense i know and tomorrow is STILL shit. today wasnt so bad i guess. well it was only two papers. so how bad could it have been. and emelia is getting her double science:D see. told ya. should have bet like my one way ticket to paris(: she can do anything. haha.
i just realised so many people changed. for better and worse. well i dont expect anything else. its been a long time anyway. and its kinda nice to see people maturing and know youre there to witness it. its a rare occurence i assure you(: but. i feel sad): its like that feeling you get that nothing will be the same and someday youll probably drift apart and forget. and then theres the feeling that youve already drifted apart and you just think about the memories so wistfully. and then you suddenly wake up from your daydreaming and you think, is she even thinking about me? why am i thinking about these. its been so long anyway. too long even. so ya. memories are really painful. but some just refuse to go away. and thats probably for the best. sometimes losing them are even harder than keeping them(: so dont ever hate your memories. they are a part of you and will always be. they hurt sure. but what doesnt?

okay. emo post over(:

2007-10-16T12:03:00.000+08:00

shit shit shit. its exam papers tomorrow. shit. shit. shit.
anyway. at least i went shopping yesterday. went with deniisha and im happy. or was anyway.

apparently deniisha is hooked on sepia. well whatever, i like my new bracelet(: and shopping with deniisha is so so fun. haha. been a really long long time since we went out. and its been even longer since primary 1, its kinda impossible to believe its been so long. i bet few people can actually they have 8 years of friendship. i love you deniisha(: growing up has been much easier with you around.
and after that met jamsine in tm. and next time. remind me NOT to be nice and NOT to think that THOSE THINGS actually have a sense of TIME. i knew it would be a bad idea and i still went. WHY. cos i wanted to be NICE. so the next time i am just going to say no. why? cos its a damn bad idea and i will not torture myself just to be nice.

oh i adore my new blogskin(: its PARIS. and watching drama serials make me want everything i cant possible have. and honestly. nothing is helping.

oh and people i TRIED. keyword here is tried.

shit. its half a day more till tomorrow. death day. i think ill die from the stress. i really really need my amaths. and double. hais. shit. if i dont update its cos ive died.

2007-10-14T20:49:00.000+08:00

i just realised my friends know me very very well. its scaring me. i always thought i was really good at hiding my feelings. but apparently not. so now im practically an open book to anybody who knows me well enough. who didnt anybody tell me they know exactly what im thinking? instead of letting me think nobody knows my feelings at all. but im happy now i guess. at least i know my friends understand me well(:

and theres aboslutely nothing to say about this house. its not home.

and im so so pathetic im driving everybody nuts. how totally stupid. patheticpatheticpathetic.
all of you say that. i know i should do that. but i CANT do that. i just cant. i mean like hello! im afraid of the dark. what makes you guys think i can actually do that? im so so so dead. i feel so shitty. ha. happiness is always short lived. but even if you told me that again and again i dont think i would learn my lesson.

so how do i go about doing that?
hey darling i still got lots to say. how about you start again and we can go back to old times

2007-10-13T20:47:00.000+08:00

WTHWTHWTHWTHWTH. YOU DO NOT BRAG ABOUT RESULTS OKAY. THAT IS JUST GOD DAMN RUDE AND DISGUSTING AND LOWLY AND DESPEATE AND IDIOTIC AND UTTERLY INSENSTIVE. IN FACT YOU DO.NOT.BRAG. HOPEFULLY IF YOU DO YOUR MOUTH JUST GLUES SHUT AND YOULL NEVER SPEAK AGAIN. TURST ME. IT WOULD DEFINTELY HELP MANKIND.
okay. now that ive said that i feel much much better. ive been wanting to say that since oh i dont know 12 years old? i dont care if i sound like a bimbo right now. people like that just make me so so angry. i could go on for hours about it. and it has not been a good weekend at all. i feel like a damn water barrel. and my butt hurts. thanks alot divya. i want to talk to emelia): and i really want to throw something.
and have i mentioned i need to go shopping? i absolutely have to.
ive got so much to tell you. and ask too. but im just so afraid. maybe cause it matters too much. i mean what do i know. im just a stupid brainless girl whos been following blindly and willingly getting hurt in the process. but the funny thing is. im only like this with you. could you tell me whats happening? please?
oh and if i love you, is it any of your business?

its a really nice song(:

2007-10-12T21:34:00.000+08:00

yay.exams are over. now all i have to do is wait for my results. wth. terrified doesnt even begin to describe my feelings.
im reaaaaaaaaally pissed too. i cant stand not knowing what to do. and wishing i could do that but knowing i cant. and just not knowing. i aboslutely hate that feeling. emelia says i have to ask. but i obviously can't. its just so impossible. i need to place to hide and cry all day. and no. girls do not LIKE to cry. its not a hobby. its just more natural to girls.why do you have to make me cry and feel so utterly lost.and still make me want you back?and i dont even mind!

2007-09-29T21:36:00.000+08:00

okay. i know i shouldnt be blogging. but im bored. and going crazy.
so.
my heart's starting to hurt again. im so confused. and scared. i cant take my own advice. im so angry. i think im desperate. i could say so many things right now. but honestly im short of time and its too tiring.
i miss you. its really fitting summary for everything im feeling now.
giving you hints isnt working,talking to you isnt either,do i really have to spell it out?
on haitus.bye.

2007-09-20T20:43:00.000+08:00

i feel like a total piece of shit.

i want to like er. 'pour out my troubles' ya. something like that. but 'pour out my troubles' sounds so cliched. so ill just say i feel like screaming at somebody. throw something aginst the wall.oh not something. LOTS of things. i want to throw a fit. ya. thats it. I WANT TO THROW A FIT.

i feel like im not good enough. im never going to be good enough. i see the photos and i compare. well duh. i probably look like nothing next to her. shes probably great in studies and has a great character and sings a siren song like a pro. i feel like nothing. its so ironic. i myself feel hopeless and im telling people 'you can do it! believe in yourself!' how absolutely stupid.

maybe for once, it should be about me. maybe for once i should be the one depending on somebody. i feel like a total failure and you still expect me to support you? im only human. and if i try to help and its not appreciated, then i will not help anymore. if you dont know what you want then i will not waste my time giving you ideas which you reject. every. single. one. well you know WHAT. i am sick of feeling hopeless and like a failure. all i want is reassurance and not a model answer.sorry if i sound like a self centred spoilt brat. but i know i deserve the attention that i need right now.if you dont agree youre probably not my friend or related to me at all.hello. i guess since im nothing and youre a materialstic ungentlemanly dumbass bastard you probably think im not good enough. but i dont want goodbye.

2007-09-19T21:44:00.000+08:00

WTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. my brain is like working at too fast a speed. very stressful. i want to stop. why cant i stop. i feel like a robot.

i miss you i miss you i miss you): why do you go? i think i feel sad. oh well. dont go. please. tell me whats going on. its stupid being confused. and im so confused):

2007-09-16T21:38:00.000+08:00

time goes by like so fast:/
its going to be exams soon
its gonna be christmas time soon
its going to start raining everyday soon
its going to be the last time ill ever be in 2a soon
its going to be the end of school soon
its going to be the longest ive ever missed someone soon.

ah. shit. im so scared for exams. and i still dont know what combination to take. oh well. hopefully itll all come to me.
i miss you.

2007-09-11T21:36:00.000+08:00

im so so pathetic. i cant believe it. my godd. ive got no sense at all. my brains must have liek taken a vacation to somewhere far. like antaritica. oh dear god.

2007-09-10T20:41:00.000+08:00

i just deleted my whole post. it was full of complaints and its only a monday. can you imagine friday. so i shall be nice and not post my complaints. cos even i find myself sick of hearing myself complain. so whatever. ill just be content keeping quiet.

anyway

i wrote alot in school today. so much written work. finally i feel like im actually doing something in school. so yay. and emelia borrowed my book. my pretty nice book(:

should i tell? should i not? should i should i should i. hais. wthh. i think i will soon. im going to go mad if i dont.

deniisha(: random picture

2007-09-07T21:12:00.000+08:00

emelia: why do boys suck?
answer: its in their blood.

hello. im numb(:

i havent thrown something at a wall for ages. itching to do it. again(:

2007-09-06T20:19:00.001+08:00

went for the Acapella concert last night and only got home at like 12am. seriously the bus interchange is creepy at night. and i walked home by myself in the night. which just goes to show i don't need you. ha.
anyway.
the concert was great(: it was really really amazing. what the human voice can do. and now i totally understand why boy bands have lots of female fans. cos they sing love songs! its really really simple logic actually.
I'm not angry. i really am not. just thoroughly hurt i guess by everything. I'm resigned to it. lala. hurt. oh what do i know anyway. im just another someone in this materialistic world. no sense in trying to deny it anymore(: its time to grow out of disney princess stories. no matter how much i believed in them.
and that. just proves that i am right. and its repeating again. people never learn. not even if you give them history lessons everyday and remind them how terrible the past was. theyll just do whatever they like and destroy laughter peace and joy while theyre at it.

im sorry i guess.

2007-09-04T21:02:00.000+08:00

whats the damn point. i still cant do it. my heart still does that annoying flip. it seems like every minute is spent waiting. and in the end its not repaid. oh just get the damn hint already will you.

2007-09-04T10:25:00.000+08:00

maybe you should like learn to care about things that do.not.involve.marks. cause maybe they matter more? maybe it makes you a better human being. one that you know CARES? i am so so so angry. and really. ive never felt angrier in my whole entire life. discriminate me. take away my friends. compete with me. demoralise me. backstab me. use me. oh should i be thankful youre paying so much 'attention' to me? maybe im thinking too much or maybe im just being bitchy. but honestly. how long more do you think i can last. one of these days i swear ill just drop dead. all this being used and worked to the limit. i am human in case you havent noticed. with like feelings and limits? im not a superhero. in fact im like an opposite. im just a normal person in a not so normal world with an abnormal amount of sadness in my life.
im a damsel in distress.

2007-09-02T20:57:00.000+08:00

~~when it rains, do you worry if im feeling cold again? when it rains, do you remember all the conversations we had about the rain? when it rains, do you remember me?~~
okay shit. im being over sensitive again. and you really should learn from those idol dramas. theyre like the manual to being sweet caring and loving.
this is a stupid one week holiday. everything felt right. but something was missing. and it was just a once a wek occurance. and i know it referred to me. i hope so much it doesnt. but i dont lie to myself. self denial gets you nowhere and honestly it hurts. if you want me gone. i guess its fair. considering the amount of trouble i come with. end it? fine by me.

2007-08-31T20:16:00.000+08:00

my cheeks hurt so so much. im scared to look in the mirror.
eyebags+tearstains+worrylines=crappy shit.
oh wth. not like anybody actually notices how i look anyway.

soooo. today was a watse of time. as usual. got really pissed. but i got the job done. and thats all that matters. it doesnt matter you guys are hypocrites and it also doesnt matter that people around me discriminate without even knowing it. it doesnt matter that i cant tell anyone what i really feel cause you arent here anymore.it doesnt matter that i look like crap and it also doesnt matter that nothing matters anymore. i wish i was stronger. really. you have no idea how much strength it takes just to do this. just to hold everything together to continue this. and im only doing this for myself. cause guess what. i know i can do it and nothing is going to stop me. help is greatly apprecaited. but if you just want to compete with me or discriminate or be a total bitch remember that nothing is going to stop me. nothing.

2007-08-30T20:16:00.001+08:00

okay. wth. life sucks and it will not get any better. ill just like paste a smile on my face and go aorund greeting people eventhough i really just want to bawl cos i treasure the memories too much to spoil them with my tears(: i rememeber so so much and its just all coming back in biggg waves. it makes my heart ache and my throat go tight. i guess id always love you guys(:
and thank you jaee(: and sylvia. god knows youve tried and we all know too. so well just keep moving on cos thats what lifes about. moving on(:

2007-08-29T21:09:00.000+08:00

this is just such a sad world. im stressed out. and im stupid and dumb. all i want is for things to not change. i want to be happy and unsick. okay. thats all i ask. treat me well.

2007-08-28T20:20:00.000+08:00

i feel overworked. no i dont FEEL overworked, i AM overworked. im overheating. this brain is not gifted okay. im a normal person like everyone else. including you. so unless youre like un human or something then maybe you should spare a thought for me? you know. a minute? 3o seconds? 10? if you want to leave me without any help at all i sincerely hope you end up in hell. so what now? I cant have mood swings? I cant be angry? I cant be hurt? I cant be cared for? and why? cos you want all the rights to yourselves? cos im not human too? oh god. go get lasik or something cos in case you havent noticed i AM human. you know, flesh and blood?

and i just realised so many birthdays are coming up:/ ~~and its just not the same i guess. it was too long a break and now weve both forgotten what its like to talk to each other.~~

2007-08-27T20:48:00.000+08:00

my table switching 'mission' was really unsuccessful): but whatever. i just need a blueprint and really cool plans next time(:

i feel sick. im going to die soon): i got like chest pains and divya says i got a hole in my heart. oh well. anyway. i want all my money to go to tino. and all my schoolwork to be shredded. and i want you to know i still like you and im so terribly sorry.
and i want to watch hairspray! :D

2007-08-26T15:07:00.000+08:00

twice a day the same question is asked. am i really that obvious. okay anyway.
my brain hurts. doing maths for a prolonged period of time makes people go mad. im so scared for the test tomorrow. even if i get full marks for it which is impossible ill only get 59. and the final term paper is not going to be easy. what if i can get 60%. my life will be ruined. ill kill myself. there wont be a point in doing this anymore anyway. working hard is not enough. i have to work till i go mad before anything good is seen. and what do i get? god. black faces everyday and more work with nobody freaking willing to help me in class. cos why? this class students only care about THEMSELVES you see. if someone cant do it oh all the better. as long as their better than the idiots and thats all that matters. cos you see. their the only ones in the world and others absolutely dont matter. theyve got a heart of stone and even if you beg them they will not help you. cos helping you will lead to the end of the world. oh not THE world. THEIR world.
okay. im exhausted. life sucks and so do you guys.

2007-08-24T21:02:00.000+08:00

okay. i got maths help. but its all too late. please dont think youre the only one capable of tears and anger. in fact your tantrums are nothing compared to mine. you do not walk away without scars if you seriously piss me off.
i got a new phrase too(: youre as irregular as my lunches. which is saying alot. i need to talk to someone. and youre not here anymore. but i cant bear to share that feeling with someone else. i got so much so much to say but i feel like its all clogged up. im going to get like high blood pressure like that. i want to be comforted. to be hugged. held. just want to know someone cares and is with me. and i know exactly who i want. but its impossible. which makes the pain just worse. and if anybody vents their mood swings on me again i swear i will scream. ive got enough for one week okay. what is up with the people.
im doubtful of who to trust.

2007-08-23T20:41:00.000+08:00

oops. i just tore a page from a library book:/
its like singing day today(: hsu was singing and singing and signing. totally off key and crappy.very entertaining. i couldnt stop laughing. i think i might actually miss 2a next year. oh well. i want to sit next to hsu li forever:D and when we went home today it was so wasted cos we didnt buy anything at all in the end. so walking around so much was just a waste of time and made my headache worse): dnt and it totally suck. stupid dnt. if my design cant work dont you think you should have told me BEFORE i actually did it? stupid brainless dnt. and it. whats the point of making us sit there for an hour when we dont have any freaking idea on how to use the damn software. so we sit there drawing like a bunch of kindergarden kids? oh wow. just getting people really irritated. not helping at all. id rather do maths than sit there in front of the computer doing nothing. im just destroying my eyesight.
im going to go swimmm(:cos im fat and i like to swim.i want to scream yes and hit you. but i have to be civillised about it all and talk like a polite girl with manners.which makes me want to hit you even more

2007-08-22T20:39:00.000+08:00

wthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i need maths help. badly. shitttt.
omg go get someone else to be your sponge why dont you. then fine. dont blame me if i start ignoring you. you dont seem to notice me very much anyway.
i should never ever doodle on my books ever again. my history textbook is like a freaking diary reminding me of stuff which i do not want to remember. wth.
i love you(: that was so random.

2007-08-21T20:48:00.000+08:00

im really really bored.and i desperately need a distraction before i become a puddle of tears.sooo
a random quiz from deniishas blog(:

RULES:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. Put the last title of the song as the subject.
4. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!!!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY", YOU SAY ?
i just cant live a lie-carrie underwood ha! so if you ask me if that dress makes you look fat ill say i cant live a lie! :D

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
with love-hilary duff :DD

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
listen-beyonce HEY. how true(: listen!

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
makes me wonder-maroon five yes. defintiely. makes me wonder why im trying even.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
1985-bowling for soup. er. no link?

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
teardrops on my guitar-taylor swift erm.keep my feelings to myself? no that is not my motto.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
why not-hilary duff i do everything i want? haha!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
he said she said-ashlee tisdale erm? really naggy parents? haha!

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
i wont say im in love-disney! WTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIES?
misery-good charlotte OMGGG! THAT IS NOT TRUE? WHAT A COCKED UP QUIZ

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
hate that i love you-ne yo ft. rihana okay. maybe its not so cocked up.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
say it right-nelly furtado is this all supposed to like have some 'deeper meaning' or whatever?

DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
long way to go-cassie HA. WOW. WHATEVER?

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
what goes around comes around-justin timberlake how omninous.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
big grils dont cry-fergie what is THAT supposed to mean?? okay. wth. i will not use this song.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
elephant love medley-moulin rouge huh? what on earth??

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
i turn to you-christina aguliera ha! being comforted by people is my hobby(:

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
fergalicious-fergie WTH? FERGIE PHOBIA?

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
keep your hands of my girl-good charlotte HUH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
last night-p diddy ft. keisha cole goddddd. this is a stupid quiz.

THE TITLE OF THIS POST?
L.O.V.E- ashlee simpson HA! more like W.T.H

okay. that was crappy and like half untrue. except for some. which is uncannily spot on. my god i need maths tuition. whos willing to like tutor me for free?

2007-08-20T20:30:00.000+08:00

i qeued for like 45 minutes with nyssha hsuli kaien and yijun today for doughnuts. like 45 stupid minutes we waited. thank god for this very kind uncle who offered to queue for us while we went walking around the supermarket. and so since i was bored..

recipe books! i want a personal chef(:

jam is higher class than skippy peanut butter. grape or no grape. lol.

tea! you can pretend youre like really sophisicated and drink tea! haha!

pastaaaa! i crave italian soda

the doughnut. after queing for so long i only bought one and well. it was really good(:

ANDDDD! just a casual comment(:

ROSES

CHOCOLATES

DESERTS

are all very very welcome if you want to like say sorry and stuff like that to me you know(: in fact i would think its very very sweet and nice and great of you and will forgive you on the spot.

usually.

2007-08-19T21:22:00.000+08:00

i feel so accomplished(:
i bought my shorts! haha. and i studied!
but tomorrows going to be a bad day. i can already feel the disappointment im going to feel tomorrow. cos please. you dont keep your promises and if i dont even know THAT by now im probably the worlds biggest fool.
omgggg. do you still not get it! if you dont understand then tell me! ill give you a step by step guide specially made for dummies like you okay. theres so much that is wrong! i wanted so much to say them but oh dear god. if i did what would you think of me? some over emotional bimbo? id rather keep it to myself then. so please stop being an idiot and please care.

pretty picture(:

2007-08-18T20:37:00.000+08:00

im feeling better(:

cause i slept well and the weather is extremely fine. i dont feel like murdering anyone anymore too. guess thats a good sign(: i finished both compos today! english and chinese. and i seriously hope theyre not too crappy. and i read a perfectly confusing book too. im still confused.

i feel kind of like a coward now. ignoring it isnt really a brave thing to do. i dont even know if its the right thing to do! oh well. whatever. i dont even know who it is anyway. so i guess it cant matter that much to him since he cant even be bothered to leave his name.

so ya. ill just live with it.

and since i feel like it ill post some pictures(:

my favourite dress(:

me and divya in beginning of 2007 i think(:

totally random(: at pastamanias

jaee!

i miss my long hair. and joycelyn. and the evenings. and the carefreeness of it all. and the times i would look out for you. so silly it seems now but god knows it was the world to me back then. it was all so pretty and i didnt have the sense to realise it. i dont even know what i want! oh this just sucks):

2007-08-17T21:09:00.000+08:00

lalallalaa. i cant hear you. go away. im selectively deaf(:

im so dead for the 2 tests today and when i try to even say something about any little detail i get cut off because why? oh maybe cos i AM a little minor detail nobody needs to listen or look at. which is why im selectively deaf right now. an eye for an eye darlings.

i cannot stand it anymore. i have no idea what to do. what combi should i take? pure lit or 3science. 3science is a waste of time but if i take pure lit ill have to take an elect. and i dont like geog and history is always so hard to score. and if i dotn take 3science i wont be able to go home with hsu anymore. which will be such a waste cos we practiclaly go the whole way together. and shes always so funny. insulting my books and stuff(:
and and i dont know what to do. about everything else too. i know i should just miss this bus cos ill probably like die in an accident in it or something and i know i should give up but i cant.
i need someone): oh im not asking for someone. im just saying i need someone:DD

//*Divya*..My knight in shining armour.=) says:Bimbo explanation:Guys are like so bus-fied.So if u like miss one go for the next.like duh.but like sometimes there are some absolutely annoying buses who has no life but to break down half way and like they remain there.so u have no choice but to face them.uh.like buzz off.

oh who the hell are you! i dont know you anymore.

2007-08-13T21:11:00.000+08:00

im happy:DDDDDDDDDD
LIT IS OVER. like YAYYYY. buh bye mayella and your screaming fits.
stop being a blind sheep. get a mind.
i passed mathssssssssssssssss!! like take out the champange and the two storey cake! i freaking passed!
its a kind of perfect day(:

2007-08-12T21:33:00.000+08:00

mon dieu! its amazing how long it took just to learn how its pronounced. i dont want to do lit drama tomorrow. what a freaking torture. why cant we do something like nicer to act.
Ca m’est égal. now that didnt take long to learn at all.

2007-08-11T21:49:00.001+08:00

think whatever you want. im beyond caring. all i wanted was just for you to know. and since that is done. i guess its over. time to get on with everything more important. cos like wth. you dont feel the god dman same way and you should just thank god you dont. cos it hurts.
call me a bimbo.whatever. i cant care anymore.

2007-08-10T20:40:00.000+08:00

the next time i go there im staying just long enough to show my face and im going to get the hell out of there. i dont know why i go through it even. guess its just respect. i cant lie! okay. and thats what makes it so hard. 65%. ha. that is not even close to enough. but what the hell. not like i have anything to lose anyway. already lost it about a month and a half ago.

2007-08-09T20:40:00.000+08:00

THE COMMANDOS DIDNT JUMP):
what a waste. i wanted to watch that la! but it was a nice parade. poor red guy on skates fell on his butt on national tv. but i still love his skating. haha! ehh wth. why am i even using the computer. come online for nothing anyway. its a total waste of hope.

2007-08-08T18:46:00.001+08:00

happy birthday singapore(:

stepping out of the house was the biggest mistake of the evening. i knew it would turn out bad. i knew it. and what the hell did i do. just do it anyway. when will i stop having this extremely childish reaction. and seriously. pissing me off was the biggest mistake 2003 guy could have made. and hes so typical. i could predict the questions he would ask a day before he actually asked them. when will i stop putting myself in embabrassing situations. i told myself that i wouldnt miss the place. but i missed it anyway. just like how i miss my italian soda now): ~~and oh ya. never again huh? ha.~~

oh congratualtions 2A(:

2007-08-05T20:42:00.001+08:00

what am i? a freaking 24/7 entertainment centre? stop taking advantage of me okay. i have no more strength to make you see logic anymore. if you wanna ruin your reputation it is fine with me. ill just feel exhausted. i already threw my book aginst the freaking wall. in public. i do not need to throw something hard/sharp/breakable/dangerous/oh i dont know how about YOU against something like a moving car.

the world has changed since i was 3. we were much closer back then even if it was a total eyesore to look at the clothing. i cant believe we went to the beach for heavens sake. as in all of us. when i was 3. and we had birthday parties. and pictures were taken so often the film probably ran out after 5 minutes. and we used film back then. film. we had so much fun. everybody loved everyone. nobody thought that showing love was extremely over rated and embarassing. the pictures show so much more than real people. any idea how disappointing that is? it seemed you two grew apart after only a year. its an inference. pictorial source. see. how unfeeling it is? im treating it like HOMEWORK. it seemed so sweet. i see myself smiling without a care in the world. but then. i was 3. since when do you have cares when youre 3. but it wasnt just me. it was everyone else. is it the aging process? is it the lack of world peace? is it jealousy? i dont understand. not until today did i realise any of these. maybe i should show all of you these pictures and make you guys remember. remember that youre capable of loving. i want to remember too. i want my childhood back.~~after looking at the pictures ive come to this conclusion. dear family, family as in every single one, it isnt the same anymore.~~ the tears couldnt stop.

2007-08-03T20:25:00.000+08:00

what on earth did I do. like nothing. so i deserve all this just cos im alive? oh wth. have you any idea how much you hurt me. oh i guess not. better get used to the fact that youre not the only one in the world. i dont know why i put up with you. what happened. what made you this way.
the last time i checked, it seemed like you had a heart. so where did it run to.
you. thats it. i finally got the answer when all i wanted was to hear from you when i was crying.

2007-07-30T20:54:00.000+08:00

life sucks. reading the account was terrifying. and put new doubts in my head. im going to fail maths. again. hsu's right. what the hell was i thinking. who would get mesmerised? who would be so perfect? who would be in that type of predicatament? all i wanted, i guess, was to write my own happy ending. damnnnn. im so scared. how is it going to turn out. what will happen to me.

2007-07-28T20:59:00.001+08:00

in theory everything is perfect. but when you put it to use the results are really not whats on paper. so theory is much much easier. you know what to expect. and you know how to react and solve the problem. too bad there isnt a textbook for life.

2007-07-24T21:06:00.000+08:00

im cold. very very cold. the weather is totally mad.
i knew it was too much to expect from you. guess the only good thing here was i was smart enough not to make the same mistake twice. hurts all the same though.

2007-07-23T20:28:00.000+08:00

i want a castle darling. lol. just to make thigns clear i do not have a darling. it just looks like a nice word.
i cant trust myself. just those words and my heart melts. god. what the hell am i. i dont know if youre doing it cos you feel like you have a duty. but i really really dont want you to do that. if you feel forced then go away and leave me alone. i dont need any more false hopes. they kill whatever real hope i have left.

2007-07-22T21:26:00.000+08:00

shit damn and fuck. i cant watch a movie in peace, cant sleep in peace and i cant TYPE in peace. why do people look over your shoulder when youre typing anyway. loom if you want to piss me off i can bloody well do it to you too. so THERE.

2007-07-21T21:11:00.000+08:00

what a memory. lol. its so wierd how something from the past can mean so much to me now. its so ironic.

2007-07-20T20:19:00.001+08:00

its really unfair. what i can say and what i cant say. so many things to think about before i say something. i need a life.
oh and i wanna go back in time(: to the victorian and medival times. theyve got pretty dresses and dances and they ride horses. and the people were really polite back then too. right now theyre all heartless obnoxious and angry.
look if you are that intent on helping me out why not tell me what has been going on and why you id all those. cos really i do miss you.

2007-07-19T20:11:00.000+08:00

im highly reactive to small cute blocks of wood. but i do not fetch small cute blocks of wood like a dog. sorry to disappoint(: it was a relatively happy/scary/irritating/what the hell do they think theyre doing day.
im soo glad youre soo intent on helping me out here. i soo appreaciate it. its soo driving me crazy fyi. i know its wrong but i wish it could be.
i wanna sleep for all eternity.

2007-07-17T20:41:00.000+08:00

i had so much to say but now its all not coming out. the main point is youre a f-ing idiot. please trust me and dont do that anymore. oh yes. the mainest point. ill give you a taste of your own bloody medicine and see how you like it. it was supposed to be a long post but like said. its just not coming out. and why should it anyway. i should just keep it inside where it wont do any damage ayway.

2007-07-16T17:55:00.000+08:00

WTF. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE IF YOU DONT WANT TO FINISH THE GOD DAMNED SENTENCE. it would do much better to just tell me the story and let me understand so i can HELP?? BUT IF YOU WANT TO 'tell me another time' that is SO PERFECTLY FINE WITH ME. all i want is to be able to feel that people can trust me. why cant you tell me.

2007-07-12T20:58:00.000+08:00

whalao. fine la. go ahead and make fun of me all you want. glad you find me so funny. and a great conversation starter. just so you can talk more. at my expense. like wth. FYI. I COST much more than that thank you very much. ive got enough of it. and treating me as your personal everything? not good. youll live to regret it. id really want to be treated as close. cos you see. im human and humans need to have a sense of belonging. so eventhough i may be a very hateful human to you i have rights okay. i dont see why im hateful. if youre one of thsoe who look at my face and decide on the spot that youre going to hate me then fine. i cant do anything about it. but im not evil.

lets talk till the sun goes down and youll know whats behind this facade

2007-07-09T21:27:00.000+08:00

youve ripped out of perfect new hole. perfect timing too. bet you just love that. you torture others for a living anyway. i thought it was too good to be true that day sitting on my table.well duh it was. now, the table has changed, but the wind that comes through the window eveytime doesnt. the memories it brings with it doesnt. i see myself sitting there smiling like some damn fool with the wind and table and phone for company. i was perfectly content. that was years ago. i dont know if i ever believed it was true. but i know i was happy. perfectly content to live in self denial. with the wind for company. i never got tierd of looking out of the window and feeling the wind in my hair. the memories you see. and the air is always fresher. like you can breathe out of this shithole for once. i found myself sitting at that very spot again. the wind was stronger today. maybe it was trying to tell me something. or giving me more memories. maybe its a sign. soon, ill have to cherish all of those memories cause it will be all that i have. maybe the wind is my friend. trying so hard to help a pathetic girl sitting on her table staring out the window. well ill just have to do this for my friends i guess. get over it. so simple. and sensible. but when was anything simple and sensible when it came to me. i loved you i guess. once. dont ask me ever again

2007-07-08T20:35:00.000+08:00

Ohh, I know I could say were through
And tell myself I’m over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can’t live a lie

i guess i really havent gotten over it. well. who the hell cares anyway. certainly not who matters.

2007-07-07T21:01:00.000+08:00

it is not fair how others can be so delightfully happy. while i have to deal with more crap and more crap every freaking minute of the day.

2007-07-07T20:39:00.000+08:00

Well I wonder could it be
When I was dreaming
'bout you baby you were dreaming of me
Call me crazy call me blind
To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time
Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do you know I really really do
Well hey so much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away

I remember date and time
September twenty-second Sunday twenty-five after nine
In the doorway with your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces
And we were letting go of something special
Something we'll never have again I know,
I guess I really really know
Well hey so much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away
The day you went away
The day you went away

Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do you know I really really do
Well hey so much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away
Why do we never know what we've got till it's gone
How could I carry on
The day you went away
Cause I've been missing you so much I had to say
Been crying since the day
The day you went away
The day you went away
The day you went away

like of all times to remember this song. i used to like it alot. and of all times to remember it i remember it now. like perfect. how ironic can life get. this is turning out to be a really crappy year. reaaaally crappy. i bet it has been for both of us. only difference is this time, im on my own.
ive got so many secrets in this shell, when will i find that person who i can trust with my blood and soul.

2007-07-06T21:06:00.000+08:00

im bored.
im miserable.
im freaking tierd.
im crazy right now.
and if you think about it,its all cos of it. if it didnt appear in my life i dont think i would be in so much pain right now. asshole.
okay. ive got to make a speech about conserving the earth. it seems like the easiest topic but STILL.do i look like freaking miss bloody earth to you. i always end up with this type of funny topics. like how would you help/what do you think of 'some-silly-problem-that-affects-the-world'
how great. like my life ISNT complicated enough without worrying about underaged smoking,mother earth and poverty for homework. i mean i would like to know about all thsoe but not for homework. itll be much nicer if i went to look up on those on my own. and instead of telling how to conserve the environment to a class of 40 people who probably care more about computer games and irritating the hell oput of people, maybe i could like spread the word by doing something else. cos seriously, those 40 people arent going to get their butt off the chair to save mother earth if their lives depended on it. oh wait. it does.
like i said im crazy. so please dont blame me if that post affects you. im just really crazy.ranjanni said so.

2007-07-05T21:41:00.000+08:00

I LIED OKAY. I FREAKING LIED. I DO CARE. IT MATTERS TO ME. LIKE WTH. IM A GIRL. WHATDIDJA EXPECT ME TO DO. GO ALL WEEPY AND SOB OH I FORGIVE YOU??? SORRY BUT THIS GIRL HAS MORE DIGNITY THAT.I DO NOT SOB I FORGIVE YOU BUT I SOB ALL THE SAME. SO THERE. i lied. im so sorry. i lied. it really matters. it does. to me. but whats the point. when you still dont understand? you said sorry cos someone told you to. not cos you feel that you need to, not because im there in your conscience yet. when its there. then tell me. then maybe i wont lie.

2007-07-05T20:24:00.001+08:00

why do i even bother helping. all i get is like UNgrateful remarks OR a truckload of fresh problems. whatever. want to get pissed at me for helping? fine. itll save me the god damn trouble anyway.

ive got so much to say but nowhere to start

2007-07-04T20:05:00.000+08:00

i dont know what to say,just, stop getting pissed at me thank you very much!

2007-07-03T19:54:00.000+08:00

i have got to stop reading hilarious books in school. all the effort i use to keep my laughter inside is making me short of breath. but my god. the book is so terribly funny i laugh out loud when im home. so you can imagine. AMANDA. shut up! im trying to watch tv/talk on the phone/read my own book/get a life. but who cares. its the funniest book ive ever read and my pathetic sadistic life NEEDS cheering up. oh lifes not getting any better, not to worry jerk. youve messed it up pretty good.

i need to start talking to you people. really. i cannot stand this anymore. i feel like the butter in bewteen two pieces of toast. which MEANS im sandwiched REAAAAALLY close to two opposite parties. which is as uncomfrotable as it sounds. really at this rate ill have to start earning money on a daily basis.

divya. i need to call you. like bimbo with you or something. cos seriously. my life is like putting clothes and blood in the washing machine. what comes out is not pretty. at all. oh why am i asking divya? cos shes the only bimbo i know who actually undertands what im babbling half the time. hey dont blame us if we have such great telephathy. her first conversation with me was practically a 10 second introduction to her absurd love for drawing. it was, to say the least, a whole lot of babble.

2007-07-01T20:56:00.000+08:00

reading those pages are so depressing. i just realised ive been living in self denial all those years. which is a hell of alot of my childhood. this is just so wrong. why do i have to realise it only NOW. its so humliating. damn. BYE PAST. i hate you. good riddance. i hope you take a one way trip mars. BYEBYE.

2007-07-01T19:09:00.000+08:00

this week is pick on amanda week. like FINE i dont know how to do the freaking question on the freaking board. and the class knows it too. since they ALL know what is wrong with it why oh why must you ask if its wrong to the class and have them answer you in a baby like chorus of noooooo. cos its just wasting time and if you want to humilaite me just SAY so. ill just stand and let you. cos really. my life is all about that now anyway.
okay. been there done that. i read some meories today. wth. made me feel like punching someone. a CERTAIN someone. oh well. i knew it would turn out like this anyway. all i can do now is ignore you to the best of my ability. okay. why am i still talking about you anyway.
ANYWAY. ive got a bimbo phrase! divya better listen good and memorise it bimbo. haha. you have the IQ of NAIL POLISH. tada!:D sounds kinda bimbo dont you think. if you dont think so dont tell me.(:
ive got a bimbo plan too! when i see you and your little friends ill make sure i pointedly ignore you and look THORUGH you if needed and say HI to every other person. loudly. ill have the best day i ever had with my memories and YOU WONT BE IN IT. I REPEAT. YOU. WONT. BE. IN .IT. there. bimbo plan. haha. you know. being a bimbo isnt really that bad, as long as you dont dress like one and you dont have the IQ of one.haha.

2007-06-28T20:38:00.000+08:00

today is such a pissy day for me. i mean to get so pissed till you scream at the top of your lungs along the road a few metres outside school to your friends? i feel like slapping myself.
anyway. im so tierd i can hardly keep on my feet. since its nearly the end of the week i guess thats normal.im so awfully tierd. i need some serious coffee. or something. i miss the holidays already. eventhough it was one stupid moronic idiotic totally heart wrenching god damn holiday.

btw. when you trust youre putting yourself at risk of being betrayed and heartbroken. thats why trust is so important and IS TO BE TREASURED. trust. please dont betray my trust and i wont kill you. ive got so much to say but i want to live more.

and since i promised emelia not to blog till there was something happy to blog about,ill blog happy stuff(: im sitting with hsuli! and i havent got hit by a soccer ball, havent got slapped, havent got betrayed, havent got hit by a flying anything yet. so i guess thats good too. oh and i learnt quite alot of new emotions. like being so extremely pissed you could rip out throats. or being so extremely sad youd tear from just sitting down by yourself to rest. so its been meaningful i guess. learning stuff. oh and theres a surprise coming up(: but if it were to happen to me id swear and throw everyone out of the house(:

2007-06-26T20:41:00.001+08:00

the second day of school was worse than the first. if it can get any worse. i know i have to do something but i cant remember what it is. great. i feel like screaming at you. this silence is suffocating me. my mind says something but my heart says another and its exactly this type of conflict that dirves people crazy. insane. mentally unsound.
okay anyway on a completely different note. i want to sit at hsu's current seat but i cant cos shes still sitting there. damn. i could have a corner all to myself but noooo. i cant. cos lifes like that. okay ive remembered what im supposed to do.

2007-06-25T20:59:00.000+08:00

first day of school was a disaster. the volcano erupted right on schedule and the whining started right on schedule and so did the nagging. do i have to even talk about the hours i spent staring out of the pathetic back door? i got a memento today from my bag. forgot all about it, and i have to find it on the first pathetic day of term 3. so fast foward to a whole day of staring out of the backdoor and wondering if youre experiencing the same weather. whether youre stealing glances at sweetheart. okay. thats it. im losing it. bye